Find Support Within Yourself
In grieving my mother, four dates are particularly tender when they come around each year. August 11 is her birthday and my parents' wedding anniversary. February 9 is the anniversary of her cancer metastasis diagnosis. On April 16, 2018, we were told she was out of treatment options and given a hospice referral. She ignored it and went to an alternative treatment center in Mexico. On May 12, 2018, the afternoon before Mother's Day in the United States, she died at the Mexican clinic.
This month, I am sharing one of two recordings that my mother made on April 16, 2014, four years to the day before being told she was about to die. The first line alone makes me tear up: "Feel yourself seated and supported by this universe." She goes on to lead a 20-minute practice of mental alternate nostril breathing followed by a visualization of light to the solar plexus, seen as the center of personal power, and repetition of a mantra to support this power. (Free subscription here for mediation recording access.)
10 things I wish I knew 10 years ago when I became a mother
My son Maceo's 10th birthday on March 19 inspired me to write this list. If you are a parent, what resonates? What would you add?
1. If you need an epidural and a C-section, it does not mean your body failed you.
2. Your nervous system is in for a wild ride. Have your hormone levels checked, sleep whenever you can, and get outside every day no matter what.
3. Prioritizing your own basic needs does not make you selfish; it is in fact the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Sit on the toilet for a few minutes when you need to, even if the child is screaming. You are allowed to poop and take a shower.
4. Diastasis recti. Google it. Your doctor should have told you about it, and you should have learned about it in yoga. You have a severe case. Stop big backbends, boat pose, crunches, planks and deep twists until performing these exercises is no longer ripping the two halves of your abdomen further apart.
5. You will feel your heart is outside your body, and this is terrifying. You are wired to protect your child, but if you think of nothing but his safety, you'll go crazy.
Try not to catastrophize. Distinguish between what you can and cannot control. You might need to stop watching the news for awhile.
6. You need far less stuff than you think (except when traveling).
7. You need far more support than you think. If you have a partner, make a plan in advance for how you will handle the chores, housework & mental load.
8. The best meditation is being fully present with your child. Set a timer for 10 minutes a day. Call it “special playtime,” and follow your child’s lead. No phone during special time, and create boundaries with your phone whenever possible.
9. Remember to breathe when preparing to leave the house with your child. Allot twice as much time as you think you need to get out the door, and then surrender.
10. You can’t have it all or do it all, and this also does not make you a failure. You will need to make hard choices between motherhood and career. There is no right or wrong, only what feels right (or the least wrong) for you and your family in a society with unrealistic expectations. Remember that it’s all temporary, the longest yet shortest of times.